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Nintendo Band of 2017: The Delinquent’s Ballad



It’s that time of year again where I have to endure Paul McCartney’s rather dissonant “Wonderful Christmas Time” or East 17’s not so very festive “Stay Another Day.” Such a bore this season has become, I’m relinquishing my current disdain for radio to create my Nintendo band of 2017, hopelessly inspired by my Nintendo boyband last year.

It’s been difficult to create a band from the diversity of Nintendo releases this year (notably because a large amount of the musical talent lives in Hyrule), but here it is — after a year of searching Kyoto for talent, I have put together Nintendo’s band of 2017:


There needed to be some form of percussion in the band, and after spending way too many hours finding this Korok’s own seeds for his maracas, he can put them to some good use. His ability on the maraca is unmatched in Hyrule, helping Link to carry more rusty claymores and pot lids.

By far the most annoying member of the band, he might have to rely on his cherubic nature to not fall into the dark side of rock n roll. The limelight is an Epona ride away from the Lost Woods, so not being the focal point of the band would probably be best for a typically shy creature. Overall, Hestu’s ability on the maracas are far superior to his bothersome 900 demands, and for the purpose of some rhythm, Hestu is a fine addition.


Poppi had a sad start in life as an artificial blade created by Tora that she has been programmed to refer to as ‘Masterpon.’ Rather undignified (and obliviously unaware of how annoying Tora is), I’ve offered her a chance to be apart of her next greatest mistake — joining the Nintendo band of 2017.

Poppi’s favorite instrument is the roly-poly maracas found in Argentium, but I have Hestu and his pouch-giving talents for percussion, so I’m putting Poppi on another instrument she’s quite fond of: the cedarwood koto. The koto is the national instrument of Japan, so it’s a great choice to represent Nintendo, especially after the fantastic year they’ve had. With the strings of the koto singing above the beat of maraca, this band is already shaping out to be quite the befuddlement of musical genres.


Not willing to step back and figure out how to make this band actually sound half decent, I decided to add some bagpipes. Unable to find a Nintendo character that plays the bagpipes, I settled for the next best thing: an accordion.

Kass is probably the most talented member of the band, actually possessing a capability for his instrument and some song-writing ability. Not only talented but also dedicated to his craft, Kass travels the breadths and depths of Hyrule to uncover the ballads of old. The most likely member to leave and produce an obscure solo album that a couple of hipsters would worship, Kass brings a lot of experience to a slightly inexperienced lineup.


The band didn’t have enough gimmicks, so I threw in another. Luigi in Mario + Rabbids seems to enjoy ‘dabbing.’ Whilst not worthy of any notable music talent (it works for a lot of boybands), his ability to dab like it’s still 2016 cements his place in the Nintendo band of 2017.

Honestly, it might just be a distraction from the terrible sound that this band will create, or maybe it’s just an acknowledgment of the times. Luigi’s decision wasn’t taken lightly, and after witnessing the direction the band was going in, I felt it needed a modern twist to make it relevant.


Pauline likes to be in the limelight — not only is she the Mayor of New Donk City, but she also sings the main theme to Super Mario Odyssey, “Jump Up, Super Star!” Obviously, leaving her band in New Donk City for the Nintendo band of 2017 would be a terrible decision, but we’ve all made a regrettable choice or two, so here she is.

Preventing her own solo ambitions will be even more difficult, and it might have to go the way of Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers — maybe Pauline and the Heart Containers? She has a great voice, and along with Kass, she will go on to become a successful recording artist long after this band disintegrates.


Let me know who would be in your Nintendo band of 2017, or better yet, let me know any Nintendo band name puns you have.

Lost his ticket on the 'Number 9' Luxury Express Train to the Ninth Underworld. Has been left to write articles and reviews about games to write off his debt until the 'powers that be' feel it is sufficiently paid.