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Bad Reviews Of Good Things

by Harry Morris
SuperMarioOdyssey7

We all love good video games, right? We all love saying “This video game is good” in unified agreement, yeah? Well, it turns out that some people just adore finding fault in everything, regardless of how much the overwhelming majority of others may declare “This is, based on extensively informed analysis, of an objectively high quality”. So, let’s all take a peek at the textual diarrhoea (camouflaging as reviews about our favourite video games) these misery makers wretchedly spew out onto our screens, and collectively laugh at how stating that a universally acclaimed video game is a “steaming pile of gay” doesn’t make you edgy, it simply means you’re the reason why people sarcastically quip “You must be fun at parties”.

Before we continue down this winding rabbit hole of face-palming, a point must first be emphasized. Whilst applying a numerical rating to determine a video game’s value is a subjective act, as we understandably rate the quality of experiences based on our own personal standards and preferences, there is one rule that many of us can agree on. Ten out of ten implies that the video game is perfect, or as close to perfect as realistically possible, bearing only the most minuscule of flaws, if any at all. On the opposite end of the spectrum, zero out of ten implies that there are no redeeming qualities in the slightest. The experience is bad, bad, and worse, with an extra topping of bad, alongside a side order of bad, and is incapable of connecting with you on even the most simplistically mandatory of levels. Keep this in mind when bearing witness to the following ratings that have been so lovingly selected by these terrifically talented and grammatically gifted reviewers. Yes, these are all real. I repeat, these are all real reviews.

Super Mario Odyssey

Rating: 0/10.

it’s been 32 years since super mario bros released on the NES, and still nothing has changed. still the same run-jump-save the princess fairy tale kiddie formula rehashed over and over again for the 600th time.

Yes, nothing at all has changed since the original Super Mario Bros. title. It’s incredible how Nintendo has succeeded in this, but I layered footage of Super Mario Bros. alongside Super Mario Odyssey, and get this, they’re exactly the same games in each and every single way. I also started rubbing the paint away from my Nintendo Switch with a wet flannel, and it turns out it’s actually just a Nintendo Entertainment System painted black. Wake up you braindead zombies and realize that Mario has never changed, the Earth is a pyramid, and Donald Trump is made of cheese.

and not only that, but this game is 900p in 2017, in the middle of the 4K age! absolutely unacceptable.

When I am asked what year it is by my Grandmother suffering with dementia, I never say “It’s 2017 Grandma”. Rather, I screech at the top of my lungs “It’s the middle of the 4K age, how do you not know about the most iconic movement within our modern society you putrid pile of dried wrinkles?”. She tends to cry, but it’s important that she understands these things. I mean, the 4K age needs to be taken seriously, do you even know what 4K means? That’s three more K’s than 1K, and two more K’s than 2K, amazing right? The 4K age never ceases to amaze me.

it’s time for nintendo to give it up and pack it in.

Nintendo are a financial behemoth, and continue to lead the entirety of the video gaming medium with their acclaimed innovation to this day. This year has seen astonishingly high sales of their brand new console, along with The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild and Super Mario Odyssey taking the world by storm, performing to a critically and commercially top-notch caliber. Finally, Nintendo have dipped their toes into the world of mobile phone video games, and have seen a wealth of success in titles such as Super Mario Run, Fire Emblem Heroes, and the newly released Animal Crossing: Pocket Camp. It’s safe to say that 2017 has been one of the most explosively excellent years for the big N in a long while.

Regardless, they really should “Give it up and pack it in”, since a reviewer by the name of PS5masterrace deems it most appropriate.

You’re clearly a big Nintendo fan PS5masterrace. I rate your review 4K/10.

The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild

Rating: 3/10.

Overrated game , 20 FPS , Anormal glitches I can even climb mountains by forcing up downgrade massive, (Nintendo gift consoles to the critics of this page a week before its launch) review bought, do not be fooled

This tidbit of delight is brought to us by shaoran2. To be perfectly honest, this one is hard to understand, as it seems to be written in a unique form of the English language that only a select few possessing a degree of stupidity high enough can decipher. As far as I can understand, by forcing up downgrade massive, shaoran2 can climb mountains. Yes, forcing up downgrade massive is a common criticism I’ve heard regarding The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild.

Gameplay Mechanics 8/10
Story 9/10
Soundtrack 9/10
graphics 2/10

I may be wrong, but it seems that the only thing shaoran2 disliked based on their review ratings are the graphics. However, they never seem to touch on this fact during their review. Maybe forcing up downgrade massive refers to meaningful details concerning The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild’s graphical capabilities. Alternatively, maybe it’s a secret code for hard drugs, or maybe it’s a cry for help. Truthfully, we’ll never have the pleasure of understanding exactly what this profound quote means.

Oh, and by the way shaoran2, I don’t think the aforementioned ratings you provided quite average out to the 3/10 you so generously awarded this video game. It could be due to some ‘anormal glitches’, but if that’s not the case, then maybe you could brush up on your mathematical abilities sometime? Either way, I rate your review forcing up downgrade massive/10.

Persona 5

Rating: 0/10.

Turn rpg is boring and outdated …it would be better if it was action rpg game made for Japanese audience ,

Here is yet another slice of smart thinking, in this instance from leonsnow. Firstly, it’s always wise to discredit a game’s quality simply because you dislike its core gameplay mechanics. I personally enjoy granting negative ratings to games within the Call of Duty franchise, simply because I don’t much care for first person shooters. Of course, the fault is entirely with the franchise, and not with my own personal preferences. I am the most important person in the world, and my subjective tastes are the true dictation of what can be deemed to be of high or low quality for other people.

it is really creepy and has a lot of sexual content

Sure, it can be a tad perverted at times. Welcome to Japan, there’s a lot of that. One of the beauties of playing foreign video games that are so confidently forwards regarding facets of their country’s culture is that you are provided a fascinating insight into their attitude towards certain aspects of society, and this includes their opinions regarding sexual attraction and fetishistic openness.

Also, we’re talking about the instances when Persona 5 displays girls in swimsuits, right? I may be wrong, but I don’t believe that warrants the label of “a lot of sexual content” now does it?

To quote another of leonsnow’s reviews, let’s turn to their 10/10 write up of the much enjoyed Final Fantasy XV.

Great game, i dont care about the haters spamming to lower the grades here.

The 0 scores are ridiculous, people have nothing else to do , and put hate in a game, thats really childish and ridiculous.

It’s fantastic to see that you practice what you preach leonsnow. In seriousness however, this is possibly the finest example of infuriatingly idiotic hypocrisy I’ve witnessed in a very long time. I rate your review 0 scores are ridiculous/10.

A fascinating concept to somewhat explain the content of the reviews such as the ones cited above is the Dunning-Kruger effect. Coined by social psychologists David Dunning and Justin Kruger, the term in question details the scenario in which an individual suffering from low intellectual ability suffers from illusory superiority, causing them to mistakenly judge their cognitive ability as far stronger than it is in actuality. For example, when that racist person down the pub blames ethnic minorities for the ills of society, they simply lack the intelligence to comprehend that the issue is far more intricately complicated than their braindead bigotry would have them believe. In a nutshell, stupid people are too stupid to know they’re stupid. Everybody deserves a voice, and criticism of celebrated video games isn’t at all a bad thing, provided that said criticism has smartly constructed arguments to justify such an unpopular opinion. As an added note, when attempting to convey an opinion, remember to straighten up your grammar, as yo’ure point becums mute i’f u type liek tihs ,

“Forcing up downgrade massive” however isn’t a smartly constructed argument, and is quite probably lacking the grammatical correctness it requires to make actual sense (or am I wrong, and it is so deeply and intellectually profound that it transcends the very nature of our understanding?). It will truly trouble me to my grave.

2 comments

mojack411 November 4, 2017 - 6:06 pm

Trash article 0/10. Didn’t even talk about how Call of Duty saved the gaming industry.

Reply
Harry Morris November 4, 2017 - 6:51 pm

Trash comment 0/10. Terrible graphics, and too much Call of Duty. Great Miku profile picture though, 10/10.

Reply

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