The best part of a fighting game is the character select screen. Nothing satisfies like scrolling through a huge list of badasses and picking one to defend your honor. While clicking through a who’s who of concussion inducers, there will be one fighter that makes you think, they don’t look tough. I went to a week of classes at the UFC gym, I could probably kick their ass. You won’t find Ryu or Scorpion on this list. This list is about fighting game characters who you could definitely beat-up.
Martial arts master Bo’ Rai Cho taught Two-time Mortal Kombat champ, Liu Kang, everything he knew. If Liu Kang was a badass then surely the man who taught him would be an even bigger one. Right?
MK fans were in for a surprise when he turned out to be less like Jackie Chan in the Drunken Master, and more like Chris Farley in Beverly Hills Ninja. Bo is about as intimidating as the patrons of a Golden Corral.
How To Beat Him Up: Anybody with average cardio has a good shot at taking out this guy. Start out running. Run some more. Continue running. Repeat this strategy until he either becomes winded enough to push over or until he keels over due to his grease filled arteries. Keep a twinkie in your back pocket, in case you need a distraction.
Oh, Dan. Choosing Dan at a fighting game tournament is akin to putting on a blindfold before the match. He’s the poor man’s Ryu. He has all his moves, but they’re all wimp-ified. Most embarrassing is his tiny Hadouken. It’s not the size that matters, right?
To make up for his fireball shortcomings, Dan is overconfident and brash. His uselessness wasn’t lost on his creators, who made the character as a parody of two SNK’s Art of Fighting characters.
How To Beat Him Up: Taunt him mercilessly. Dan is about as serene as a hurricane, unlike the cool and collected Ryu. Hurl insults his way and he’ll make bad decisions. Dan won’t be much of a threat as long as you keep him at a distance.
Shaq is a larger than life personality. He’s also the star of the one worst fighting games of all time. Shaq-Fu follows the big friendly center as he tries his hand at a martial arts tournament. The results are about the same as his rap career.
How To Beat Him Up: Put a body on him at the free throw line. Keep him off the low block. Box him out effectively and go to the Hack-a-Shaq technique to get him to the line. Alternatively, try to fight him in a Hobbit-sized room or become friends with Hakeem Olajuwon.
Karla, from the never released Tattoo Assassins, was a world famous figure skater. After she was disqualified from the Olympics, she went to her fall back career as a magical tattoo warrior. Obviously.
Beyond her lack of background in martial arts, her choice of ice skates as footwear is questionable. She might have an advantage if she took them off and tried to stab somebody with them, but Karla stays committed to keeping them on at all times.
How To Beat Her Up: Fight literally anywhere that’s not an ice rink. Some examples include your house, a Walmart, a park, directly beside a hockey rink. Don’t be fooled if she tries to get the fight onto the ice. That’s exactly where she wants you.
Mokap is a guy wearing a jumpsuit with motion capture balls stuck to it. For some reason (diversity hire?) he’s invited to the Mortal Kombat tournament. His special powers include…umm…being employed in the entertainment industry?
How To Beat Him Up: Get him talking about his experience in the industry. While he’s busy networking, you’ll have a prime opportunity to attack. Make sure you get his business card after you’ve defeated him. He might have an internship or something available down the road.